HEAT #1
Last Saturday, we returned from the beach and were happily
unpacking. I had just popped into the “potty room” part of our bathroom when I saw
a movement behind the plunger and squealed for Nat. It was the giant anole
lizard that Zack had spotted lounging by the fireplace earlier in the week. Our
four attack pugs must have ignored it for days!
Nat grabbed a plastic container and we shut the exterior
doors to the bathroom, blocking the space under the doors with towels. My heart
was pounding like a fat man on a trampoline. Nat handled the front line,
tossing out the flotsam and jetsam near the toilet bowl. The anole had frozen
in place. Standing safely behind Nat, I assumed goalie position and was ready to spring if Nat
missed. Luckily for the anole and my heart, Nat snagged him on the first
attempt. The anole went WILD wriggling and writhing to get out. Nat quickly
secured him by slipping a lid underneath and handily took him to the fire road
behind our backyard. MacHardys: 1. Wild
Kingdom: 0.
HEAT #2
On Monday, I am fixing breakfast for my mom. I
step over to the microwave which is on a little stand away from the rest of the
kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I see what appears to be a large piece of
rope between the microwave and the door. I blink. It’s not a rope. It’s a
snake. Mama is watching me as I say to her very firmly “Go to your bedroom and
shut your door.” You may remember that Mary Frances is terrified of snakes and
closes her eyes even when they are on TV. (She tells me later that when she saw
my face she thought I was having a heart attack!)
Luckily my ace animal wrangler is
home. Nat has not appeared yet this morning and so I begin to call him. I stand
barefoot before the reptile which seems to be growing larger as my calls become
frantic. The four pugs asleep on the
couch mere inches away don’t even flick an ear at all the noise.
Finally Nat
emerges. This time my fat man is doing somersaults
on the trampoline. Nat very logically puts on shoes, long pants, and work gloves
and then take my position so
I can do the same. Again, I grab for a container
and relieve him while he looks for some sort of tool to actually pick up the
snake.
But the
snakes goes on the move, bunching his body up against the corner and this time
I slam the plastic container against the door. SCORE. He’s trapped and writhing in fury. After a bit
of creative maneuvering Nat gets a lid on container and out to the fire road he
goes again.
MacHardys: 2,Wild Kingdom: 0.
I suppose
the black cat that crossed my path today should have given me the heads up for HEAT
#3
HEAT #3. .
Mom and I arrived in Seaboard today and I just went upstairs
to the room I sleep in to open it up and air it out a bit. The heat pump doesn't always cool it down, so I sometimes I turn on the window unit before bedtime.
When I open the door I freeze. Someone has been in the room.
Items have been swept off of surfaces and the pictures on the wall hang tilt-a-whirl
crooked. A large lamp has been knocked over.
I get the eerie “ghost walked over my grave” feeling as I try to think
why or even how someone would get in Mama’s house and trash this room. It doesn’t add up.
Then I realize I left the closet door open last trip. And it
connects to the furnace room downstairs which connects to under the house. An
animal?
I look closer. The window frame near my bed has been chewed.
Chewed frantically by some creature that desperately tried to GET OUT. I see
weather stripping recklessly torn out of the window. And scratches on the
glass. Now I am feeling the need to GET OUT.
I look but I don’t see a critter. I don’t hear a critter. I
don’t smell a critter, living or dead. The bedding is undisturbed. But I am
still creeped out. I turn on the AC, close the closet door and scamper downstairs where I sit writing
this. I will eventually man up and inch my way upstairs and I will get ready
for bed and I will pull up the covers and I will try to sleep. But I will sleep
with one eye open.
It’s not
over, but I think it’s safe to call it.
MacHardys:2, Wild Kingdom: 1.
Marlin Perkins would be proud.
